You can find humor in everyday situations if you read this full collection of humorous inspirational quotations and sayings. With the help of these humorous quotations, make your life more enjoyable.
Here is a collection of funny quotes and phrases. You'll laugh aloud reading these amusing quotations. Bring laughter to your life with these funny quotes.
FUNNY SAYINGS AND QUOTES THAT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH
My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.一Socrates
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.一Mitch Hedberg
Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.一Mark Twain
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.一Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian.一Dennis Wholey
Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.一Suzanne Collins
Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.一Ellen DeGeneres
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.一Dave Barry
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.一George Carlin
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.一Steve Martin
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.一Dr. Strangelove
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to ‘fall asleep right now.’一Anonymous
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.一Phyllis Diller
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.一Doug Larson
My mother always used to say; The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.一Betty White
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.一Mark Twain
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.一Garrison Keillor
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.一Mark Twain
I walk around like everything's fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.一Anonymous
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.一Charles M. Schulz
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.一Ellen DeGeneres
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.一David Letterman
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.一Paul Terry
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do.一Dale Carnegie
Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.一Dearborn Independent
People can't drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys.一Mike Bechtle
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.一G.K. Chesterton
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.一Albert Einstein
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.一Groucho Marx
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.一Jack Handy
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.一Addison H. Hallock
It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem.一Malcolm Forbes
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.一Ernest Hemingway
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.一Cathy Guiswite
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.一Mark Twain
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.一Charles Bukowski
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.一Joan Rivers
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.一Rodney Dangerfield
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.一Will Ferrell
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.一Lucille Ball
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.一Stephen Colbert
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.一Terry Pratchett
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.一Golda Meir
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.一Robert Benchley
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.一Yogi Berra
You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.一Billy Arthur
It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he's madly in love, drunk, or running for office.一B. Birdsong
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.一Rita Rudner
I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!一Charles M. Schulz
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.一Jerry Seinfeld
By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.一George Burns
The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they've been indicted.一Kin Hubbard
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.一Erma Bombeck
Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into a home.一Dennis Miller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.一Phyllis Diller
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.一Phil Pastoret
If you can't be kind, at least be vague.一Judith Martin
Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!一Charlie Brown
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT FAMILIES & PARENTING
There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.
一RobertBenchley
If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.
一Reese Witherspoon
It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don't lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.
一Erma Bombeck
Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
一Paula Poundstone
Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.
一George Burns
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
一Phyllis Diller
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
一Rodney Dangerfield
Kids are expensive, I didn't even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.
一Kate Davis
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
一Erma Bombeck
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MARRIAGE
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
一Rodney Dangerfield
If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife's birthday, just try forgetting it once.
一Aldo Cammarota
My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
一Socrates
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
一Phyllis Diller
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
一Will Ferrell
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
一Jim Carrey
Never criticize your spouse's faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.
一Jay Trachman
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
一Rod Stewart
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT FRIENDS & ENEMIES
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.
一Addison H. Hallock
Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.
一Anonymous
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
一George Carlin
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
一Rita Mae Brown
The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
一Mark Twain
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
一Oscar Wilde
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT OPTIMISM & PESSIMISM
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
一George Will
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
一George Bernard Shaw
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
一James Branch Cabell
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’
一Anonymous
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT DOGS & CATS
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
一Groucho Marx
When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
一Nora Ephron
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
一Robert A. Heinlein
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
一Robert Benchley
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.
一Andrew A. Rooney
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
一Anonymous
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
一Jeff Valdez
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MONEY & WORK
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
一Jerome K. Jerome
If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.
一Dorothy Parker
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
一Edgar Bergen
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
一Mark Twain
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.
一Quentin Crisp
Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished.
一Leslie Nielsen
Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.
一Samuel L. Jackson
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
一Steve Martin
Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
一Tom Snyder
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
一Mark Twain
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT EDUCATION & SUCCESS, FAILURE
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
一Kurt Vonnegut
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
一W.C. Fields
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
一Mark Twain
A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.
一William Lowe Bryan
Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.
一Steve Martin
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
一Fran Lebowitz
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
一Gore Vidal
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT INTELLIGENCE & STUPIDITY
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
一Will Rogers
We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.
一Ellen DeGeneres
Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.
一George Carlin
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
一Billy Connolly
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
一Albert Einstein
When it doubt, look intelligent.
一Garrison Keillor
User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.'
一Dave Barry
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT HAPPINESS & BORES
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
一Oscar Wilde
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
一Bo Derek
A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.
一Channing Pollock
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
一Rita Mae Brown
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
一Abraham Lincoln
She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.
一Jean Webster
By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it's too late.
一Don Herold
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT GOSSIP
A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there's fire.
一Dan Bennett
You can't believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
一Anonymous
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
一Oscar Wilde
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