Funny Quotes That Will Make You LOL

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.一Aldo Cammarota

You can find humor in everyday situations if you read this full collection of humorous inspirational quotations and sayings. With the help of these humorous quotations, make your life more enjoyable.

Here is a collection of funny quotes and phrases. You'll laugh aloud reading these amusing quotations. Bring laughter to your life with these funny quotes.



FUNNY SAYINGS AND QUOTES THAT WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

一Socrates

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

一Mitch Hedberg

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

一Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian.

一Dennis Wholey

Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.

一Suzanne Collins

Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

一Ellen DeGeneres

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

一Dave Barry

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

一George Carlin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

一Steve Martin

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room.

一Dr. Strangelove

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

一Anonymous

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

一Phyllis Diller

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

一Doug Larson

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.一Elbert Hubbard

My mother always used to say; The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.

一Betty White

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

一Mark Twain

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

一Garrison Keillor

The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

一Mark Twain

I walk around like everything's fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

一Anonymous

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

一Charles M. Schulz

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

一Ellen DeGeneres

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

一David Letterman

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

一Paul Terry

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do.

一Dale Carnegie

Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.

一Dearborn Independent

People can't drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys.

一Mike Bechtle

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

一G.K. Chesterton

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

一Albert Einstein

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

一Groucho Marx

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.

一Jack Handy

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.

一Addison H. Hallock

It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem.

一Malcolm Forbes

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

一Ernest Hemingway

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

一Cathy Guiswite

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

一Mark Twain

My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. 一Socrates

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

一Charles Bukowski

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

一Joan Rivers

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

一Rodney Dangerfield

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

一Will Ferrell

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

一Lucille Ball

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

一Stephen Colbert

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

一Terry Pratchett

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

一Golda Meir

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

一Robert Benchley

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

一Yogi Berra

You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.

一Billy Arthur

It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he's madly in love, drunk, or running for office.

一B. Birdsong

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

一Rita Rudner

I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!

一Charles M. Schulz

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

一Jerry Seinfeld

By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

一George Burns

The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they've been indicted.

一Kin Hubbard

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

一Erma Bombeck

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into a home.

一Dennis Miller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

一Phyllis Diller

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.

一Phil Pastoret

I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later. 一Mitch Hedberg

If you can't be kind, at least be vague.

一Judith Martin

Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!

一Charlie Brown



FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT FAMILIES & PARENTING

There are two classes of travel—first class and with children.

一RobertBenchley

If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.

一Reese Witherspoon

It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don't lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along.

一Erma Bombeck

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

一Paula Poundstone

Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city.

一George Burns

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

一Phyllis Diller

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

一Rodney Dangerfield

Kids are expensive, I didn't even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.

一Kate Davis

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

一Erma Bombeck



FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MARRIAGE

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

一Rodney Dangerfield

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife's birthday, just try forgetting it once.

一Aldo Cammarota

My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

一Socrates

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

一Phyllis Diller

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

一Will Ferrell

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

一Jim Carrey

Never criticize your spouse's faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.

一Jay Trachman

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

一Rod Stewart



FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT FRIENDS & ENEMIES

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.

一Addison H. Hallock

Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.

一Anonymous

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

一George Carlin

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

一Rita Mae Brown

The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

一Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

一Oscar Wilde



FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT OPTIMISM & PESSIMISM

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

一George Will

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.

一George Bernard Shaw

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

一James Branch Cabell

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’

一Anonymous



FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT DOGS & CATS

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

一Groucho Marx

When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

一Nora Ephron

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

一Robert A. Heinlein

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

一Robert Benchley

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.

一Andrew A. Rooney

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

一Anonymous

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

一Jeff Valdez



FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MONEY & WORK

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

一Jerome K. Jerome

If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.

一Dorothy Parker

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

一Edgar Bergen

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

一Mark Twain

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.

一Quentin Crisp

Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished.

一Leslie Nielsen

Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.

一Samuel L. Jackson

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

一Steve Martin

Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

一Tom Snyder

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

一Mark Twain



FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT EDUCATION & SUCCESS, FAILURE

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

一Kurt Vonnegut

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

一W.C. Fields

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

一Mark Twain

A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get.

一William Lowe Bryan

Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.

一Steve Martin

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

一Fran Lebowitz

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

一Gore Vidal



FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT INTELLIGENCE & STUPIDITY

If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

一Will Rogers

We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.

一Ellen DeGeneres

Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.

一George Carlin

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

一Billy Connolly

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

一Albert Einstein

When it doubt, look intelligent.

一Garrison Keillor

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.'

一Dave Barry



FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT HAPPINESS & BORES

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

一Oscar Wilde

Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.

一Bo Derek

A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.

一Channing Pollock

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.

一Rita Mae Brown

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

一Abraham Lincoln

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.

一Jean Webster

By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it's too late.

一Don Herold



FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT GOSSIP

A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there's fire.

一Dan Bennett

You can't believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.

一Anonymous

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

一Oscar Wilde



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